"Ew, do we really have to go up-island or could you just meet us in South Hampton" she said, while wrinkling her nose like she just smelled a rank sock.
That was the first time I heard the term "up-island". It was quickly laced in to a sentence by my ex-wife. Part of the common vernacular for her, meant to be just accepted or overlooked like the legal disclaimers on an infomercial. But I caught it. It lodged deep in my ear like a shard of glass. That's how insults feel at first...a prick of pain that is yet to be processed. The poor unassuming ear, always on the frontline of any verbal assault (or small skirmish in this matter). Well, eventually it registered and I had to come to terms with the fact that I had a new address.
Up-island? Is that where I live now? The proverbial Ghetto that begins just past Exit 63 on the LIE and stretches clear across the wasteland to the MIdtown tunnel. I guess I hadn't noticed the Island's overnight deterioration. This decay that was clearly taking place all around me, in my own neighborhood. The green parks, friendly neighbors, the charming mail truck that putters up my street every morning, was it all just a sham? Panicked thoughts raced through my head. I should call my brother in East Northport and tell him to bring the kids inside. My parents in Huntington should get a dog, a mean one. I'll definitely need to invest in a higher fence maybe a wall even. And my library card—useless, I'm not taking my chances in that dangerous place again.
It's funny but the charming homes that line my street look nothing like a trailer park, am I missing something here? Have the years of living "up-island" made me unable to step outside my own situation and see it for what it really is. Could I be this blind or is my ex-wife maybe just an ignorant bitch who's brain is rotting from the countless mimosas sucked down while perched upon her east end pedestal. Yeah, I think I'm gonna go with the latter.
To say my wife has assimilated to her Hamptons environment is an understatement. She has woven it into every fiber of her
over-priced clothing, mixed it into every bite of her low-carb organic meals and tangled it up with all of her twisted words. She paints this fabulous persona on like makeup. And now this self-appointed ambassador of the Hamptons is going to round up all of long Island and stick a nice neat little label on it that says trash. All this coming from a woman who grew up in Coram, I might add. Now don't get me wrong, I am not attacking Coram, just merely pointing out the fact that a more simpler, understated town does't exist. Ironic it would spawn someone so fabulous as she.
But in an effort to be fair, lets place blame where blame is due. Surely my ex-wife could not have concocted this term with her small un-evolved brain. She more than likely heard it from the witless mavens of the community around her. The audacity of these people to think they have the right to brand 88% of long island and place themselves top o' the caste system. Does this mean the Hamptons is "down-island"? Fitting when you take into account the number of bottom-feeders that reside there.
So, as self-appointed watchdog of "Hamptons bad-behavior ", I feel it is my duty to post this new term "up-island" to Urban Dictionary. I believe it is important that the six million-plus people living "up-island" are made aware of their new stature. Hell I may even make Tee shirts. BTW, I am "up-island" and proud.